Laying Down My Sword And Shield

by mihai on November 4, 2011

I recently had, for the second time in my life, an intense experience in choosing to not be righteous.  I can’t know cause and effect, but my life sure feels different a few days later.

This blog is where I come to examine (and communicate) the insights I reach…  many of which probably can’t be communicated.  But I can at least try.  Here is the insight I just had, while trying to meditate this morning…  Not much emptiness today!

When I judge and shame other people, it makes sense to expect that I will also be judged and shamed.  So much of my life’s energy is spent reactively and proactively fighting those windmills.

When I have an actual experience of forgiving, I connect to the hope that I too might be forgiven – God’s grace?  This is especially true when, right after I put down my sword, I immediately think “Who said that?”  (That was what happened this time.  The first time was years ago, I was much less aware and interested in these things).

This feels like dissonance to me, because historically I enjoy conflict.  Makes me feel alive, powerful.  You’ve got to break some eggs to make an omelette.  So this recent moment I’m talking about… was the most vulnerable two close friends have ever seen me.  My ego was shot.  It came through me.

This feels deep, and true.  I look forward to exploring it more.

One last thing: I don’t get original sin.  Or at least I didn’t, until I read “Blue Like Jazz.”  There’s an amazing chapter in there which connects original sin with grace – accepting God’s unconditional love for us.  There’s a connection there to the rest of my post, and I’m not exactly sure what it is…

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